Life as we know it not to be…
Posted by: pumkins0up on: May 15, 2009
I don’t know what I’m doing.
I don’t know where I’m going.
I don’t know what I’m feeling.
Confusion and little decisions seem to block my mind these days.
I wonder where school is taking me. I figured out that by next winter semester I should be graduating. This isn’t that long off, really. I’ve got to get my schedule in gear and figure out what I’m doing. I want to take the summer off, but I should take Anatomy and Physiology this summer just to get that major 5 credit course out of the way. Then I could focus my energy on that one class…yeah….I think I should do that… 
I made that decision myself without anyone else’s influence. There is a big step there! Lol
Life is so simple, but so complex (if we make it that way). I always think of the people that live in Europe. Many of them are very humble with their little “go-nowhere” jobs or the simplicity and appreciation for just being alive. I mean, they don’t really have amazing jobs, but yet when they leave the workplace they have amazing and rich lives. The love they have for life is incredible. They go out and truly appreciate the small things in life. Drinking wine, small walks, sitting in the yard, gardening…we, as the Bulldog Americans that we are, should take into account of all the positive things in life. What we have is the only thing that will ultimately be taken away from us at any time.
Love the people around you. Hate and anger are always emotions people will have, but we’ve got to overcome it and be a bigger person and just love everyone. Accept the differences; it is what makes us all unique and personalized. Do something new. Plant a garden, ride a horse, or just take a walk outside and open your eyes. Just open them wide and think of the amazing things you have seen/heard/ and done in life thus far.
Money will always be an issue for the rest of your life. We can’t all be privileged and have a fortune handed to us, we must work for it. Relaxation goes hand in hand with work though. You must leave work at work and don’t worry about the little things at the office. Once you leave work, put your happy face on and think of the people that love you…love them back. Pay attention to your families. Put your Blackberry down, the office won’t crash while you are gone. Take time to appreciate the life you have built for yourself.
Did you know that besides Asia, we are the hardest working society?
Trueness. We work and work like little bees; never actually resting or taking time to smell the flower. We instead just go from flower to flower working on the pollination and not stopping for a few extra seconds to enjoy the aroma of life. Granted, sometimes life stinks, but we move on to the next flower.
Chins up my little worker bees.
We’ll all get through life together.
We need to just stop and smile once in a while. Life really is great. It is what we make it out to be.
xoxo
Schooling Shmooling
Posted by: pumkins0up on: May 14, 2009
School has been a great learning and organized experience…and I still have a year and a half to go… I am in my third semester and taking three very difficult classes. The teachers expect a lot because we are all adults and know our responsibilities, but honestly, it almost seems like too much work.
I go to a tech. college where they are supposed to understand that you are either a full time parent, full time employee, and just that your life is busy and you are trying to better yourself and juggle life at the same time…but I don’t think they care. I’m taking three classes and I can hardly find time to shower, let alone study.
Sometimes it is frustrating, but I know I can do it. I just have to keep on pushing forward for another year and a half. When I finally graduate it will be a huge relief and I will be able to go on to a better paying job.
Ultimately I’d like to become a Medical Assistant, work as one for a while, go back to school (preferably the Uni of MN) for something in the medical field. I’ve always wanted to be a mortician or work with bodies. Or even perhaps go on to doing something with gynecology. I find it all fascinating.
Either way, I just need to be happy now. I need to realize that sometimes I can’t control things and I don’t know how it will turn out. I need to do the best I can and just be happy that I have the will to better myself.
There will always be a brighter day just ’round the corner.
xo
The Times are-a-Changing
Posted by: pumkins0up on: May 12, 2009
Things in my life began to go downhill quickly since I had broke it off with my beau of over a year.
We began to have more arguments as the new year went on. I felt like I disagreed with everything he’d say, just to get on his nerve. I felt like I was constantly fighting for attention. We just got so comfortable being around one another. Nothing was sexy and nothing was exciting. We didn’t have sex anymore because he felt like I was pressuring him to do so. I felt bad that I was pressuring him for sex. What man doesn’t want sex all the time? Him I guess…
We decided to take a step back and figure out what it was we needed for ourselves. I found that I love being by myself. I like just walking around the pond and sitting in the grass. Being alone lets me re-balance my mind and it keeps me sane.
We took a break for a couple of weeks and now starting hanging out again. I can’t believe how much I have learned about myself and how much I feel like I’ve changed. He has bought a journal to talk out his problems to, and I am focusing on my school work. I’ve only got 5 more weeks until school is out for the summer time! Yay! Things are going really well. We only try to see one another a few times a week so we can give one another our space that is needed. So far, things are going along swimmingly.
My life is also going great. I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about myself and my outlooks or attitude toward things. I’ve not really thought about my own damage I do to myself and others when I’ve got a negative attitude. It really presses people down. It isn’t a good thing to hear your boyfriend say that they are having second thoughts about the relationship because of my attitude. That is just sick. I’ve been spending lots of evenings sitting out by the pond reflecting my day and what happened in it. It is so relaxing, and it is what I need right now. School is causing stress and stress causes fat and hair loss. I don’t want either of those!
Anyways, my Mister and I are doing really well. It was really nice when we had a small separation how much I started actually appreciating and realizing how much I really do love him. I haven’t felt like this with another Mister before…it is really nice; to be so in love is to be filthy rich. We compliment one another with our personalities. I love him.
I don’t really have any dirt otherwise….sorry folks.
I’ve been a very good girl.
Posted by: pumkins0up on: April 14, 2009
I’m just letting you know this because I have.
I don’t know why I’ve been on such good behavior this year. Last year I was so confused with what I wanted and what he wanted, so it was kind of a self fulfilling time I had. This past Christmas things changed for the better. I finally realized that love isn’t always exciting or fast paced. Sex was once a need and we pretty much spent all of our time naked because we were humping at every chance we got! Now, our love is a comfortable one. I’ve learned more about myself and my actions because of him. Oh, sure, I still have fantasies about others sometimes, but who doesn’t?
This weekend we’re going to stay in a nice hotel, just to get away for a night. We’ll prolly stay up most of the night. I’ve won tickets to a concert this Friday, so we are planning on going and then cabbing it back to our hotel around 11pm or so I suppose. Then, I’m assuming, we’ll drink some more and smoke some weed. Hopefully we’ll have some good sexual healing going on 
Now, a turn for the worst:
I’m really nervous about my period. I’ve gone off of the pill recently because I was getting severe and constant headaches. Turns out that it was from this kind of pill form birth control.
Anyways, my beau and I have gotten intimate a few times and we didn’t use a condom until he was wanting to finish. He usually waits until I’ve come first, then he’ll come after. Well, I was talking to a gal who got pregnant using this technique….*crickets* That was my exact response. I took a test on Saturday and it was negative, but it was a little longer than 5 days before my missed period…I was assuming that I’d get it this week because this week will be about a month…. I’m going in for my annual next Wednesday. I will have the doc give me a pregnancy test to see if I am. Their confirmation is more accurate than an at home test.
I’ve discussed it with my mister and he said that money isn’t an issue. He said that we are not equipped to have a child together. He is right, we’d not be able to give it our full attention and dedication at this point in our lives. I completely agree. We both would consider having kids together someday, but not at this point in our lives. We both still work at middle class jobs, making about $14 an hour, and not to mention we still like to go out and have fun!! Babies are cute if they aren’t mine. I wouldn’t be able to handle one.
I’m really hoping that my period will come this week. My fingers are crossed. I’m also nervous. It seems that I think about it every other minute. I need to push it off for now, and I’ll get a confirmation next Wednesday.
xo
Yes, I am a “pee-on.”
Posted by: pumkins0up on: March 2, 2009
I have this job that requires me to be “bitch” to everyones beckoning call. I am a pee-on of this place. Nobody really cares. I mean, they all just walk on by; they could care less about how my feckin’ day is. Meanwhile, I take every precaution to say, “Good Day! How are you?” Most just shuffle past me. I feel like I am not worth anything here anymore. I’ll have been here for 4 years come this May.
Have you ever O.D’d on somthing? What does it feel like? Just a curious question. I was thinking about it yesterday, and now I want to know what it does or would feel like. NO! I’m not planning on it, I just am a curious kid.
Does anyone else loathe their job? I don’t quite hate it much anymore, but I definitely need a change. I’ve been here for four years, and I can’t imagine life in a positive way with this job. Yes, at times I wonder about death, but I’m now going to school and trying to better my career choices with the education. I won’t be done for another four years or so, but I can definitely say, that when I’m done with school, I’ll be closer to death…literally. I am going for a Mortuary Science degree in mind. Death fascinates me. I love it. I think death is the most beautiful thing in the world. The science of how a body breaks down and the different stages it goes through with decomposing.
Anyways, I’m going to put my foot forth and start working on this pile of papers that the “big wigs” have given me. I hate data entry.
I can’t wait to go home, sit in a hot bath, and smoke a bowl.
Oh wait, I can’t do that until I’m done with school tonight at 9:40pm.
Fuck my life.
xo
It’s my Hard-Knock Life…
Posted by: pumkins0up on: February 11, 2009
So far 2009 has started out with a bang in the first two months.
-I have moved to a great place, all by myself.
-I am going to school.
-I have a full time job to be thankful for
-I have great friends, family, and boyfriend.
Then things started falling apart financially.
-I got towed for being just short of 5 feet away from the alleyway.
-I had to pay $145 to get it out of the impound.
-While they towed my truck, they dented the tailgate…pretty fucking bad.
-I was uninformed that my W-2′s were marked EXEMPT for 2008.
-I now owe the Feds $1775 for the exemption.
FUCK MY FINANCIAL LIFE!
The one big thing that I need to make every month is rent. $550. That is all.
I am trying so hard to balance money right now that I can hardly focus on my schoolwork. My schoolwork isn’t “suffering” but it could use a vast improvement on my behalf. If only I could be encouraged to sit down and study. I have no interests in it… I am quite sad that I’ve slipped into that slump.
On a good note, my boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now. I didn’t realize that he had really loved me. I had spent so long looking for love and answers from the relationship. I had always thought that a relationship was supposed to have negative things because that is all I’ve known in men.
I had figured that he didn’t love me because he never really showed me, or because I was too busy looking for other qualities. Christmas came and he had bought me a few gifts. I had specifically told everyone that I was unable to buy gifts so they were not to buy me anything. He had presented me with a decorated Starbucks bag…he had drawn all over it I immediately started to cry because I knew how selfish I had been. He had loved me all along, but it took a gift for me to actually realize it. I mean, I’m not saying that I needed something physical from him, but it was the fact that when he bought these gifts, he was thinking about me. I never pointed anything out that I wanted…he just observed. It was then that I realized how big of a bitch I had been for a year. I had stuck with him, but I was still looking for more… sometimes looking for more, you end up getting less. I found that out the hard and emotional way.
Since Christmas, our relationship has really blossomed. I think it has been better because both of us have realized what good we have in one another. I don’t know why he’s become more loving and caring (not that he wasn’t, but he shares it more openly) but after being with him for a year I feel grounded. In a good way! I feel like we are more established. I wasn’t just a fling or yesterday’s news; we’ve been seeing one another for a year and now it is game time. We love spending time together. I have my own place now, and he has a set of keys It feels like we live together because he comes over most days. I love that.
In my year of being 22 I have learned a lot. Here are a few examples:
-I’ve learned that I’ve been a selfish person.
-I know what I want out of a relationship.
-I know that I want to better myself by earning a degree.
-I can be a good natured person, and I will be.
-I don’t need to bottle emotions. It is easier to share.
-I don’t need drama.
-I love not having life planned out to a “T.”
-It is best to be patient.
I am really hoping that my 23rd year in life will be way better than the last.
Cheers! to 2009.
xo
Needing Love isn’t Really Love
Posted by: pumkins0up on: December 13, 2008
I have been thinking lately about why I am the way I am.
I feel like I need to have sex in order to feel needed or loved. I know that this isn’t the way to love or be loved. I am seeing a guy that doesn’t seem to give me his all in our relationship. He will call me when he thinks of it, and when he says that he is going to call later, he never does.
A relationship needs to go both ways. I want him to push and pull just as hard as I do for him. I’ve never been in love with someone like that…but then again, I think know that it really isn’t love. I just like him because he is comfortable to me. All I’m doing now is ruining myself with it. Knowing that I don’t love him, makes me want to love him. He says we need to take our relationship from day to day, which I think is good because this gives me a chance to meet others as well.
I think that he just likes where we are in our relationship that he is comfortable just being…well, just not really making an effort.
Don’t get me wrong, he has been my best friend, and has been nothing but nice. Mentally, he is not good for me.
I know my heart will ache for him if/when we decide not to see one another anymore…
I’ve been in a constant relationship with people for over three years now…I know that when I am single, I’m going to stay single for a while. I do not want any more mind drama. I’ll just fuck the guys that I know and comfortable with. Purely sexual relationships can be fun, as well as hurtful too.
I’ve been seeing another guy, and that relationship is quite sexual as well as friendly. We’ve been friends for over a year before we started experimenting. He gives me what I need. He is like the filler for the other relationship. Two guys that make me whole. Sounds kinky, huh? The guy I’m in a year’s relationship with makes me fee safe and is very nice to talk with, about anything. The side man keeps the sexual side of me going as well as with the romance. He is very good with keeping me coming back for more. Kind of like cocaine. He feels so good, but I know I need to quit him before I get too deep into things, but he feels so good…
So, I’ve not gotten myself in quite the situation. My wing man knows about my main guy, but it doesn’t go both ways. I told wing man that our relationship is about making one another feel good…and if it goes deeper than that, only time would tell. He is okay with that.
I’ll just keep my options open. That is safe.
Can anyone define love for me?
xo
December to Remember
Posted by: pumkins0up on: December 9, 2008
I have finally made my decision to move out…on my own.
I wanted to stay here until about April or so, but quickly realized that it would be better to move out as soon as I can to make it easier.
My flatmate and I will no longer be flatmates come February. She is having someone from her work place come and take my room. I will have her start moving her stuff in around January to make the move easier for her. I will have everything boxed up by the end of January, hopefully by the middle of the month so I can be ready to go.
Each of my three moves have been very difficult and very unorganized. This time I want to do it right. I want to have my boxes labeled and easy to transport. I want to prep all my glassware with newspaper around them. I want to go through all of my belongings and decide what I want to save and what to give away or throw away. I have a bunch of books, but I really don’t think I could depart from them. I have things that I’m sure I can compact together into boxes and get rid of others to make more room for things I can put into boxes.
Can you tell I’m a bit frazzled?!
I’ve been living a double life, as you can tell by my blogs. I feel that if I am in the city, I can compact my life and make it easier. I don’t want to hide things anymore. I like the fact that I’ll have my own place in the city instead of in the rural/country area. I felt that, being so far from the city, I could hide things from people. If you are wondering what I could possibly hide, just look at a few of my blogs. You’ll come to know what I mean.
I will be able to wake in the morning, alone and very much naked. I can walk around my house naked. I like that. I won’t have the options of taking people home with me for a bit of “fun.” In the city people know people. I know that if I would take someone home for the night, that they may know someone that I know, or that my beau knows and that people would find out. It isn’t an escape into the city life that I want, it is the escape into a real life that I need. I have been living pretty free in this past year, and now I need a little bit of reformity in my life.
In case you are wondering; yes, I am still with my beau. We have worked through things and I told him that being with someone when you know the relationship will end at some point is one of the hardest things. I know that he has his personal life and I have mine, but I’m looking for someone to love. He loves me, but he never really shows it. I’m always the one to make lovey eyes at him or initiate anything. Like most guys, I think he thinks with his penis. Don’t think that this is an open relationship; we are exclusive, but on my behalf, I’ve not been faithful in the past. I’ve only cheated because I was pissed as hell at him or just feeling neglected. I know that those are very very wrong reasons. He’s been very nice to me and has mostly been there for me. I think that me moving to the city, closer to him, will be better for us. We both don’t like to drive too far out of the way for things, but seeing as I drive to see him all the time, it makes more sense for me to move to the city. Besides, there is so much more for me to do there! I’m going to have a blast!
I guess that is pretty much it. I don’t have a lot going on in my life, but I am very excited to be moving. It is the best thing that has happened to me in a long long time!
xoxo
Halloween Party of the Year
Posted by: pumkins0up on: October 27, 2008
…and it seriously was! For us anyways.
We had a big bash this past Saturday, and about 35 people showed up! Our small apartment was full of characters.
All of my friends attended and we were all dancing and chatting and eating, and EVERYONE showed up with a costume!!!! I was so excited about that! It was so nice to see all my friends, but it was so hard to keep up with everyone! I was trying to mingle with everyone, but being a hostess with the mostesst is hard!
By the end of the night, for me, it was around 12:30am and I was pretty loaded and very sleepy. They were playing Jenga and making up rules about kissing people to the left and right of one another. My beau was in my bedroom getting ready for sleep. When the rules started getting a little out of hand, I walked into my room and curled up with my man. It felt so nice to lay there with him.
….Then the crying game ensued….
I wake up only to find a blanketed lump crying profusely on the floor. At first I thought she was laughing and then realized what was going on. I get out of bed and take my costume off, the little lump got up and walked out to the sink with me. I start taking off my make up and she is telling me that she had just slept with my childhood neighbor kid, we’ll call him “Mr. B.” She is crying and wondering what she has done and crying some more.
Lemme tell you, I was pretty stoned when I woke up, so the whole scene is still a blur. I heard a man snoring in my room mate’s bed, and I walked out to the living room to see who else was there. Mr. B’s friend was sleeping on the couch.
I’m really proud of my flatmate for keeping the party going after I didn’t tell anyone where I was going…and ended up passing out in my bed. I was so tired. I had been up til 4am the previous night and woke up early that day to get food. No wonder I was sleepy!
Sunday my beau and I woke up to smoke a little weed and relax. I woke up feeling like hell, my tummy was in knots and I had a headache. Weed cured that right up! We lay there in a hazy fog talking about the nights demeanor’s and how much fun it was. I love smoking with him. We lay there all curled up in one another and we kiss and caress…sex is probably the best thing when you smoke. All senses are heightened.
We slept until 1pm, then we got to work. Our house was in shambles. There was food and beer cans everywhere! Luckily it only took about an hour and the house was clean once again. I’ve still got extra chips and veggies to munch on
The rest of the day remained and my Mr. and I sat on the couch and had a lazy Sunday. We watched movies, and then walked over to a restaurant for some dessert. It was so nice to get out of that stuffy house. Granted, it was a super cold blustery day, it was still so nice to get out!
All in all, this year’s Halloween party rocked my socks. Thank God Halloween only comes once a year!!!!
Old Faces in New Places
Posted by: pumkins0up on: September 25, 2008
What a week I tell you!!!
I have now enrolled to be a part time student. It will take me two years or so (depending on how steady I keep rolling along) and I will finally be doing something that I know I’ll love for the rest of my life! Vet Tech is the right path for me
I also have a pal who moved out to Seattle two years ago. He is a tattoo artist. He and I dated very briefly and when I decided that he wasn’t giving me what I needed out of the relationship, I dropped him and dated a guy for about a year and a half…in which he turned out to be a dirtbag anyways. Fuck tard that one was… ANYWAYS, tatt man is now coming back home to MN through the winter months so he can save up some money and figure out what he wants to do with his life. He wants us to get together.
He’ll be staying up in St. Cloud for the winter. I have a grandmother who lives up north, so maybe I can tell people that I’m going to “grandma’s” when I want to spend a weekend with him. Naughty me. The thing is, he still loves me, so he says. He is a really good man and seems that he may be able to give me what I need…but he was also the man who gave me the “clap.” Motherfucker. Its been the only STD I’ve ever had, and I’ll take it with a grain of salt because at least it was curable! He has been out in Seattle for a change of pace, and while out there, he managed to get a gal pregnant….
He told me so himself. He said that he’s not been in a relationship for two years after me because he’s never totally gotten over me…but then I know he’s had to have slept with some ladies. Maybe I’m overreacting. I mean, I guess I’d be the same way. I could just not have any relationships, but sleep around to get my fix of sausage strips.
I guess I just don’t know what to think about it. I had told him that when he comes back to MN, that he and I will have to get together once in a while and just be friends. Take time to know one another, find out our interests and who one another are. If something, besides our sexual side, clicks, then maybe we could have something. The main priority is friendship over anything. That and if he and I actually have something, and we want to have some sexy time, then he will be wearing a condom and he will be getting checked. I don’t need that shit again.
Other news:
I now have 8 notches in my bedpost. I slept with a co-worker the other night. It was really nice and natural, but now he is acting a bit off. Kind of in a jerk way. He is usually really funny and really fun to be around, but now he’ll get upset if I don’t respond to a text message! I told him before whe went ahead and did this, that to me, sex is just sex to me. I never thought that you had to LOVE someone to do it.
For me, sleeping around is my own way for finding love. I believe that when you find the one you are to be with for the rest of your life, he should be good for you in bed and also a great love. If that exists, someone tell me and cure my rediculous obsession with love. Until then, my hunt is still on.
In other news, I have been taking kickboxing and yoga classes every week. It gives me some kind of fitness goal, my body is already transforming. Its really beautiful! It is also nice to look forward to every week. I like that I have something to do. I don’t wait around for people. I like telling people, “Oh, you know I’d love to, but I actually will be busy that night.” I like not being available all the time. It feels good, and I feel like I have a life
Winter is upon us. Not for a few days though. Today it is supposed to be in the 80 degree range. It will be like that for the next few days. I love the heat and all, but not when fall is to begin. I love the crisp days and the smell of wet forest. I cannot wait for it. The best part, is my friend loves fall as well. He and I will probably wind up married some day, but until I get over the fear of “losing a best friend and turning him into a lover, and then fearing that when I don’t want to be with him anymore, so I dump him and we are never to be friends again” concept. Maybe I just need to jump. See where it takes me. I’m just scared of failure, and then losing my best friend. Its nerves. I can think of nothing better than just spending a day laying around and watching movies with him, but then the whole “sex” issue arises. What would it be like to see your best friend naked?! Arg!
Alright, I guess that about sums up what has happened in the past couple of weeks.
It should get more interesting as time runs on…
Stay tuned, and stay classy!
Peace.
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